her suicide left a gaping hole

I dont talk a lot about her anymore. I hate when people talk about their parents. I feel left out, left behind. My heart breaks everyday, and I dont know what to do with it, without it. I ache from the core of my being and I am forced to encounter life with a half dead heart. Or is it dead already. I have no constants, I have no pulse. I am lost and there are days where I feel so alone I could scream, yet it doesn't acomplish much, if anything it just opens the scar back up. I try to escape and I find that I am unable to. I try to do mundane things, go to work, be normal, and all the while I am crying inside. O mother why have you left me to battle this. I am left with questions that only you could answer what I could have should have done if only I had known how far down you had gone. And soon after your death I ached to follow in your footsteps. And now I am just forced to numbly plunder on as though nothing has ever happened. Yet your death, you suicide has changed the landscape of my world in ways that I never thought possible. Everything is gone and yet remains unchanged. I dream infrequently of you, and sometimes I wak with pain so searing I feel as though I am being ripped into shreds. My life has been tinged with grey and I no longer see the colors the way I used to. What is the color of love? Your blood as it ran into the sheets, you so violently died on?I break, ache, dream, die, lose, and love all on a daily basis. This life that used to bring me joy is an unending nightmare in which your life could have saved me from. but you took yourself from me, and I am forced to walk as though I heal, and some days are better.
and some days are bitter.
will I ever be ok again?